Bullying is not always what we imagine. It isn’t confined to playground scuffles or overt hostility.
More often, it hides in plain sight, in jokes that cut, silence that excludes and cultures that excuse harm as humour.
At Wise Goose, we see its impact in coaching and supervision: leaders and change‑makers grappling with the subtle ways harm is normalised in workplaces, communities and institutions. As conversations about wellbeing at work grow louder, the need for coaches to engage ethically and systemically with bullying is more pressing than ever.
Ten years ago, I wrote a blog about silent bullying. To my surprise, it became one of the most‑read posts on the Wise Goose site. For coaches, supervisors and leaders, this raises difficult questions about responsibility and how hard it can be to find the courage to speak out and intervene.
I’ve been thinking about writing this ever since Nigel Farage’s bullying hit the news. Then as I started to work on it, to my surprise, a moment from my own childhood, forgotten for over sixty years surfaced.
I was about six or seven years old. A crowd of children gathered around a small boy in the playground, I remember his name – Robin. There was no pushing or shoving, but there was a cruel edge to the name calling. I was shy, a bit of a wallflower, but the energy of the group drew me in. Joining the mob felt exciting. For once I was part of things.
Then Robin started crying.
And inside me, something shifted, a recognition ‘this isn’t fun’. A flicker of shame I wasn’t old enough to name. I remember it vividly, Robin’s eyes filling with tears, the sense of wrongness.
If I met him today, I would apologise.
That experience taught me something, bullying is rarely about “bad people.” More often, it is about ordinary people. Sometimes we join in. Sometimes we look away. But all of it leaves a mark.
This post is for coaches, supervisors, and leaders ready to look at how bullying and so‑called “banter” show up in adult life and workplaces, why it matters for ethical coaching, and how we can respond with courage, clarity and care.
Bullying Leaves Long Shadows
Research confirms what many adults know intuitively: bullying’s impact doesn’t end when school does. Studies show long‑term effects including depression, anxiety, sleep problems, stress symptoms and social withdrawal, and these impacts can last years. Government data links bullying with poorer academic outcomes, reduced wellbeing and difficulties forming relationships.
Bullying, even when “only words,” even when dismissed as teasing, is a form of systematic abuse of power. It leaves deep imprints; on individuals, and on the cultures they later go on to work in and lead.
For coaches, this means that what presents in coaching conversations as “confidence issues” or “not fitting in at work” or brittle defensiveness and arrogance may be the long shadow of bullying. Being alert to that possibility can shape how we listen, frame questions and hold the client’s story.
When Harm Is Disguised as Humour: Banter or Bullying at Work?
One of the most common ways bullying persists is through “humour.”
Variations of “It was just banter” show up everywhere; in workplaces, schools, and, as we’ve seen recently, in national political discourse.
But research is clear:
- Banter relies on equality, consent and mutual respect.
- Bullying is defined by power imbalance, repetition and harm.
Antibullying organisations emphasise that the “banter defence” is often used to brush aside accountability. BulliesOut points out that “banter becomes bullying” the moment the targeted person feels wounded, regardless of intent. And a major UK report found that 51% of respondents believe “banter” is regularly used as an excuse for bullying.
For coaches, this matters. When a client uses humour to downplay harm, we must listen to what’s unspoken: discomfort, evasion, or a desire not to see themselves as someone who causes pain.
Humour is never neutral. It can bond, or it can bruise.
“Playground Banter” in the News
Recent reporting about Nigel Farage’s school years at Dulwich College offers a public example of how powerful the “banter” label can be.
In December 2025, 25 former pupils and one ex‑teacher signed an open letter urging Farage to acknowledge and apologise for racist behaviour they say occurred during his school years. By January 2026, the number had grown to 34. These individuals dispute Farage’s characterisation of his behaviour as “banter”, describing instead repeated taunts, slurs and targeted hostility. Farage may be blind to this, but we need to name it: Bullying.
Farage’s responses lean heavily on:
- lack of malicious intent
- the cultural norms of the time
- childhood misjudgement
- reframing behaviour as “playground banter”
This pattern of denial, minimisation and humour is used across society to avoid responsibility, clients who cause harm often project a positive self‑image by adopting similar narratives. Coaches and leaders need to understand these dynamics if they are to avoid colluding with them.
Bullying Is Systemic, Not Just Personal: Why Workplace Bullying Is a System Issue
Bullying doesn’t appear out of nowhere; it is frequently a system problem. Research shows that structural and cultural conditions strongly shape whether harmful behaviour takes root. Bullying is often a symptom of toxic leadership, weak psychological safety, unclear expectations and poor accountability, not simply individual behaviour. A major systematic review similarly links bullying risk to role ambiguity, high job demands, organisational pressure, authoritarian or laissez‑faire leadership.
Bullying is rarely just a “people problem” this is why coaching must be systemic. We don’t just help clients adjust, we help them understand the forces shaping them, and the forces they help reinforce. At Wise Goose, we place this systemic lens at the heart of our coaching training, because without it we risk treating symptoms and leaving harmful structures untouched.
How Common Is Workplace Bullying?
Recent UK data paints a challenging picture. In late 2025, UK Google searches for “work bullying” rose by 114%. A 2024 CIPD study found that while 81% of employers believe they manage bullying effectively, only 36% of employees who reported issues felt their concerns had been resolved. I’ve been there myself; when I attempted to raise concerns, leaders looked the other way. A national Skills and Employment Survey indicated 14% of UK workers experience workplace abuse annually, with women and LGBTQ+ workers facing significantly higher risks.
This reminds us that bullying is not distributed evenly. People who are marginalised or stereotyped for their gender, race, sexuality, age or disability are often more exposed to risk. Any honest conversation about workplace bullying must include questions of power, diversity and inclusion.
This is the landscape coaches work within.
Clients may come into sessions confused, ashamed, unsure if what they’re experiencing “counts”, or fearful of repercussions if they speak out. Others may not initially recognise their own behaviours as harmful.
When a Client Is Being Bullied
When clients bring experiences of bullying, the coach’s role is to provide:
- Validation: naming what is happening without minimisation.
- Clarity: helping clients understand systemic factors, so they don’t internalise blame.
- Support for boundaries: exploring what safety, dignity and agency look like.
- Ethical awareness: navigating organisational processes without retraumatising the client.
Bullying erodes confidence and identity. Coaching provides a place to rebuild both.
These are the kinds of conversations we routinely hold in Wise Goose training rooms and supervision circles: how to stay human, grounded and ethical in our work.
When the Client Is the Bully
This is perhaps the most challenging scenario coaches face. Clients who bully rarely see themselves as bullies. They tend to:
- minimise: “It was just a joke”
- deflect: “They’re oversensitive”
- justify: “That’s just how leadership works here”
- normalise: “Everyone talks like this”
Many people who bully are driven by insecurity, past hurt or learned behaviour. If they are open to coaching it can help them develop insight, empathy and new ways of relating. But in workplaces where aggressive high‑performers are tolerated, harm continues if there is no accountability.
This is where collusion can quietly slip in. I’ve seen it in supervision: coaches hold back from challenging a client because they don’t want to damage rapport.
The Wise Goose approach – echoing insights from the Silent Bullying post – is clear: Coaches cannot sit on the fence when someone’s wellbeing is at stake. Our duty of care stretches beyond me‑and‑my‑client.
Support without accountability isn’t coaching. It’s collusion.
What Coaches Need to Do: Practical Ways Forward
- Bring Courage to Reflection: Help clients examine the impact of their behaviour, not just their intentions.
- Maintain a Systemic Perspective: Situate individual behaviour within organisational culture, power dynamics and structural pressures.
- Resist Minimisation: Challenge “banter” with gentle but firm curiosity.
- Use Supervision Wisely: Explore discomfort, biases and blind spots to avoid collusion.
- Anchor Change in Action: Insight must lead to new behaviours. Accountability is one of coaching’s superpowers.
A Final Reflection: Tiny Acts of Integrity
Bullying persists because noticing, naming, and intervening it is a risk; silence feels safer. The story of Robin surfaced after decades because it encapsulates that early moment: knowing something is wrong, wanting to belong, and choosing, or in my case, failing to act with care.
Coaching is not about perfection. It is about presence, courage, and a willingness to look honestly at harm, even when it comes wrapped in humour.
We cannot change what we refuse to name, and we cannot transform what we refuse to see. And sometimes, the first tiny step toward integrity is simply this: slow down, pause, notice the harm and choose not to join in.
If this post has stirred something in you, a memory, a question, or a sense that you’d like to respond more courageously when harm shows up, you’re not alone. At Wise Goose we create reflective, supportive spaces where coaches and leaders can explore the ethics, systems and human stories that sit beneath bullying and “banter”. If you’d like to deepen your practice, you’re very welcome to join us on one of our training programmes, in coaching or supervision, and keep this kind of honest, values‑led conversation alive in your work.
Photo by Copper and Wild on Unsplash
- Long‑term effects: MentalHealth.com; StopBullying.gov; Wayne State University. [kashboxcoaching.com], [chacocanyon.com], [mentalhealth.com]
- Banter vs bullying: Anti‑Bullying Alliance; BulliesOut; Cybersmile UK. [hrinspire.co.uk], [ons.gov.uk], [hrnews.co.uk]
- Systemic factors: Springer Nature systemic analysis; risk‑factor systematic review. [stopbullying.gov], [link.springer.com]
- Workplace prevalence: CIPD (2024); Skills & Employment Survey; YuLife/HRNews search data. [archive.org], [siop.org], [cipd.org]
- Coaching approaches: Coaching Culture at Work; executive coaching research. [metro.co.uk], [msn.com]
- Farage allegations: The Independent; The Guardian; Yahoo News UK; Sky News. [cybersmile.org], [bulliesout.com], [ntupsychology.blog]